2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Any refunds available?…
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich