Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Awwwww shit.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.