Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
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Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Always.
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon