GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring