Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Check your privilege
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.