I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”