Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor