Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Watermelon Boss!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake