We need to put an American base on the sun
You Might Also Like
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.