ME: who’s a good boy!!
DOG: did you just misgender me you genderphobic heteronormative piece of shit
Date: I like old-fashioned guys
Me: *dies of polio*
OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”
ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*
OBAMA: [softly] holy shit
Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute
Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again
Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s