If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
No, I don’t think I will.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
The Backseat Boys
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
subtitles are so good nowadays
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.