I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food