The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Things I’ve heard my kid’s 2nd grade teacher say over Zoom:
“Put your tongue back in your mouth”
“Take your finger out of your nose”
“Put that dog down”
“Take the blanket off your head”
“I have no idea why you have scissors in your hand”