Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of copymama's best tweets

@copymama : Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

@copymama: My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

@copymama: My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

@copymama: [Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What's this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens...
Me: You'll thank me in 5 years.

@copymama: I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

@copymama: *Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

@copymama: A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

@copymama: A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

@copymama: Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

@copymama: Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.