I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
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Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life