me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve