How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.