me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”