good let them take over I have had enough
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
first you must answer his riddles
who will stop them
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?
me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: wait shit