I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”