“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
#Caturday
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond