[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
More like Kate Missington.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.