Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
“I wouldn’t.”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.