@cravin4

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@cravin4

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

@cravin4

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@cravin4

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

@cravin4

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

@cravin4

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

@cravin4

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.