@cravin4: Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@cravin4: Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You're not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

@cravin4: *fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it's still NO!

@cravin4: Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put "WTF" aside "B Plug".
Had to explain, the "Boat Plug" keeps the water out of the boat

@cravin4: Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I'm still banned from Taco Bell.

@cravin4: If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

@cravin4: Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

@cravin4: First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn't need that rule.

@cravin4: After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said "ME TOO!"
...

Now what do I do?