@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@cravin4

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

@cravin4

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

@cravin4

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

@cravin4

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

@cravin4

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@cravin4

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

@cravin4

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.