Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
Now what do I do?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?