@cravin4

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

@cravin4

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

@cravin4

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

@cravin4

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

@cravin4

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

@cravin4

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

@cravin4

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”

Now what do I do?

@cravin4

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?