@cravin4

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

@cravin4

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

@cravin4

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

@cravin4

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

@cravin4

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

@cravin4

No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

@cravin4

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@Cravin4

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.