Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.