Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
You Might Also Like
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Taliband
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.