Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.
Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
“He’s 24 months old.”
Your child is 2
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.