knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.