@Cravin4

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

@Cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

@Cravin4

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

@Cravin4

Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.

Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.

@Cravin4

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

@Cravin4

Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

@Cravin4

“He’s 24 months old.”

2

Your child is 2

@Cravin4

There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.