My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I