Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
August 8
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college