*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before