*gets down on one knee*
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who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
channeling her this year
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I’m literally crying
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…