Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
😲 WTF? 😆
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully