While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”