Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of crmotwo's best tweets

@crmotwo : Sherlock: *deep breath* You're a drinker, whiskey's your poison but mum doesn't approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it's too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma'am, he’s in training here's your tall blonde roast

@crmotwo: Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

@crmotwo: Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@crmotwo: [Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE'S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

@crmotwo: *First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

"Okay everyone grab a partner."

@crmotwo: People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it's my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

@crmotwo: Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*