I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants