Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.