ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️