*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
You Might Also Like
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Basketball
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.