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@crunchenhanced : If you come across a bear in the woods, it's best to just wipe it off and apologize.
@crunchenhanced: Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
@crunchenhanced: If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
@crunchenhanced: [a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Me: can you stop playing?
@crunchenhanced: Eating fried cheese is the closest i've gotten to doing heroin.
@crunchenhanced: I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
@crunchenhanced: I'm 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
@crunchenhanced: Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
@crunchenhanced: Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
@crunchenhanced: The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.