If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Me: can you stop playing?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.