There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Our lord and savoury.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time