It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?