It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
me and my fake scenarios
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace