My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
respect
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Breaking news:
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust