Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.