Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Found my door mat
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.