When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
This fish is cracking me up
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.