@crushingbort: *crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler...everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
@crushingbort: one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell
@crushingbort: Ben Carson's book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip
@crushingbort: Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling "white people milk" and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street
@crushingbort: "Mr Bush, do you want my coke?"
"Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*
@crushingbort: sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
@crushingbort: "Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it's 5 Chainz," Janet cried. "Where does it stop?"
8 Chainz frowned. "14 Chainz doesn't have time for
@crushingbort: #ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot
@crushingbort: Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child