@crushingbort

shall I compare thee to a summer’s day/
its very rude to not respond/
why not/
good luck finding anyone on here with that attitude/

@crushingbort

*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler

@crushingbort

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought “oh the horse is trained for stairs” and then they both fell

@crushingbort

Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip

@crushingbort

Some dude just ran into Starbucks, grabbed coconut water yelling “white people milk” and left. Went outside, coconut water all over street

@crushingbort

“Mr Bush, do you want my coke?”
“Yeah sure” *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
“Hey kid…catch”
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*

@crushingbort

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

@crushingbort

“Yesterday you were 3 Chainz and now it’s 5 Chainz,” Janet cried. “Where does it stop?”
8 Chainz frowned. “14 Chainz doesn’t have time for

@crushingbort

#ThingsGirlsDoThatGuysHate tease a man and get all his attention while the second velociraptor ambushes him from his blind spot

@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child