[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
life finds a way
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.