crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
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I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
When you don’t understand how floors work
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭