[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
You Might Also Like
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.