I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls