Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Don’t snitch tag.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known