[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
We avoided this particular disaster
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK